Yesterday my sister asked me if I was holding up okay. I told her I was fine, everything was fine, talk to you later, goodbye, click.

I lied.

How can I put this? I'm fucking tired, man. My mom, who lives about two hours away from me (it used to be less, but then I got a ticket for speeding, so now it's two hours) just suffered another mini stroke. So yes, I'm going to come home and take care of her. I do it every weekend- back and forth, back and forth. This already takes its toll on me, but now she's sick so there are more demands. So let me take this selfish moment here to complain about it. I'm fucking tired.

I'm tired of the "good daughter" crap I have to uphold. I get a lecture every weekend on how in Vietnam the youngest stays home to take care of the family. I'm tired of watching my mom cry just because I go back home to Philly every Sunday evening. There's no point to her crying, I come back home every damn weekend. I'm tired of having to take care of two houses. I'm tired of my apartment being a mess because my days off are spent cleaning my mom's house. I'm tired of hearing my mom tell me about how she used to take care of two kids and clean the entire house and have a job. I'm tired of her telling me not to drive my car too often, but then crying when I say I can't come home. But mostly, I'm tired of doing this by myself, while my able bodied sister resides on the west coast, busy "finding herself." Fuck that, how about coming home and helping out your family instead of escaping responiblity all the time?

So the obvious psychology question is, "Carol, why didn't you tell her how you feel?" Because I don't expect my sister to move home and help out. I don't expect my mom to stop acting needy whether or not she is sick. I've wished for these things, but I've learned not to expect for what you wish. And believe me, I have told both how I've felt before, and they both play the defensive card. Top it all off with: who would be asinine enough to complain about burden when your mom is sick?

So no, bitching doesn't really make me feel better. But at least I've told the truth this way.